Why do I do this

Why do I do that which I do not want to do?

I tell myself I will never...and then I do.

I will never freeze out my husband instead of calmly discussing the issue at hand...and then I do.

I will never lash out verbally at my child, cutting her down in anger...and then I do.

I will never get upset over unimportant things, like unmatched clothes or spilled water on the floor...and then I do.

What a wretched woman I am!

The baby cries. I open the door to go to him and he reaches for me with everything, every part of his body straining, as only a baby can, to the source of his comfort and nourishment. I lay beside and he rolls into me, snuggles against me, rooting for food and reassurance. As I nurse and cuddle him peacefully back to sleep, I wonder, when did I last reach with such full-bodied purpose to the one true source of comfort and sustanance? Yearning, straining, reaching, as an infant for its mother, wanting nothing more and nothing less than the safety and provision of the Almighty? Provider, Sustainer, Giver of Life!

I think back, and I remember. Those darkest days that I rarely think of and speak of even less. Moments of failure. Flickers of memory that I desperately want to wash away. In desperation, straining towards Him with everything, and then feeling more clearly than ever before or ever since His arms, His presence, His love. I sob in relief. He is there, He loves me, I am safe.

But now, with the road relatively smooth, I start to forget. I begin to believe, instead, that I can provide. That I can sustain. That I can do it on my own.

Such foolishness.